Hi there and welcome to the bestest blog you’ll ever read. First off let me introduce myself, my name is Jennifer and I am a mother, a fiancé, a hair stylist, and a student. I may have no business doing so, but I have decided to start this here blog. I have always had a passion for talking about myself and since no one in the real world will listen to me I figured I might could run into a few weirdo good listeners out here on the interwebs <— Google says that’s a real word by the way.
Really though folk, or hopefully someday folks, what I really want to use this blog for is to periodically take a big ole brain dump all over these pages and rub it in good with my hands. There are a ton of strange things wandering around in meh noggin and I am pretty sure that I read a Harvard study that said that brain dumping lowers your risk of heart disease and cancer by 20%. Now who wouldn’t want to lower their risk for the top two killers of human beings on this planet? Actually aren’t hippos and moose up there somewhere in the top killers too?? Any-who, even if it is only by 20%, I think lowering my risk of an uncomfortable certain death is better than not lowering anything at all.
For my very first blog post, I have decided to tell you a bit about myself while simultaneously telling you nothing at all so here are 5 of my deepest darkest confessions. I actually had 10 in mind but there will be time for that later.
- I pretend like things are hard so I don’t have to do them
This is a tried and true old trick of mine that I have been using probably forever and I still keep this little guy under my belt for those moments when I just don’t feel like doing something. From that time when I was a kid and I would purposely do a crappy job on the dishes until I “wasn’t allowed” to do them anymore, until now when I act like I don’t know how to vacuum a car so my fiancé Kyle will do it. Sorry Kyle this could have all been prevented if my mom would have just smartened up a little. Now you have to deal with it and it’s all her fault.
- Dude and douche bag are still major contributors to my daily vocabulary
I am NOT what you would consider a “cool” person and I definitely wasn’t cool when “dude” and “douche bag” were still cool to say and I am even less cool now because I don’t even think “cool” is cool to say anymore but only douche bags say chill. I mean how else do you tell your dog that she is annoying you? “Talulah! DUDE! You’re being a total douche bag right now! Go bother the neighbors!” Or what better way to describe the customer that you really dislike than by nicknaming him Dan the Douche Bag.
- I curse like I should have been in the Navy
I work as a hairdresser and I have to fake nice and act like I am god damned kindergarten teacher/nun all day long but when I get home it’s like I’m back aboard the U.S.S. Murica (I don’t think that’s a real ship name and there was never a Harvard study). But to me there’s nothing wrong with calling your mom and saying “What up bitch?” or walking into your house after a long day at work to be greeted by your pets only to greet them back with “how the hell are you sexy mother fuckers today?” (In my high pitched voice) I am not even above cursing at children but just the asshole-y ones and only when you have literally exhausted every bit of tolerance that you can stand of course.
- People watching is my most favorite thing to do
If there is one thing that I am certain of it is that like me, people are super weird and it is fun to watch them do weird stuff. If you are ever out in public and it feels like someone is watching you, it’s probably me and you must be one strange MoFo to have captured my attention. I don’t just give that shit away willingly. Hey, but rock on little buddy, you rock that crazy hair, that goofy ass outfit, or those perfectly timed public outbursts because you are a unique individual and you make my soul happy.
- No matter the time of day, if I’m heading up from the basement I’m running
Look, I know that I am around my mid 30’s, and I should have grown out of this by now, but basements are scary as hell. You know how Christian people are all like “I’d rather follow what the bible says than find out what happens if I don’t” or something like that. Well, I’m all like, “I’d rather run my scared ass up the stairs rather than get eaten or worse, touched inappropriately by whatever the hell is lurking in my basement when the lights are off and I’m just trying to mind my own business trying to walk back upstairs”.
I sure hope that some of these things really helped ya’ll get to know more about me because in the end that is all that really matters isn’t it? That and the fact that I can go to bed at night knowing that I have changed your lives for the better with one simple blog post.
You. Are. Welcome.